Navigating Through Deep Waters

It’s been quite some time since I last blogged… Having a 2 year old and a 6 month old has a tad bit to do with it….. But I’m being graced with the opportunity to write a quick blog due to the fact that they are both sleeping!!!! I also wanted to make a mark on this day because this day my heart has been filled SO much by the ONE and ONLY one who is able to fill it in such a way that it completely changes EVERYTHING…..

First let me update you a tad bit…Over the past 6 months my life has changed in ways I never could have EVER imagined. In just six months I have added a new baby girl to the Robinson Family making us a party of 4, moved to another state, and found out my mother has breast cancer. I thought the hardest thing I had to deal with was my court stuff but these three things combined have challenged me in ways I cannot even put into words. But being a mommy of 2 challenge if I had to rank them would definitely top the charts. This is because this is a challenge I face DAILY and it’s something I am learning to do DAILY. There have been days where I felt like I just cannot do this mommy thing.. And sometimes that’s everyday. No matter how much my hubby encourages me, or my family and friends tell me I’m doing a great job I still am left some days in tears feeling like a complete failure. But then there’s God who always comes through and He’s able to fill me and encourage me in ways that literally touches my heart and soul. The best part about this daily challenge is I get to be at the feet of Jesus CONSTANTLY because I am desperately in need of His grace and strength. These past almost two months since moving have been extremely rough for me but it’s been in these challenges that I have found an even deeper connection between being a mom and being totally dependent on my Heavenly Father. Just a few days ago I cried my eyeballs out (again) to God just expressing where I was at this mom thing, feeling completely helpless…

Sidebar: I have two AMAZING daughters who are absolutely WONDERFUL. I don’t want you to think they are the problem at all… The issue is perfectionism which God so graciously revealed to me (again).

But in just two days later God came through for me again in such a personal way. He literally and I mean literally heard my cry to Him just a few days prior and gave me some practical things I can do to help me navigate these deep waters of stay at home mommyhood! Now, God has done things like this for me several times over my walk with Him. But y’all these past few weeks I have literally felt like I was drowning! I would reach out for help, but there are some things that only the HAND of God can pull you through and honestly He’s the one who wants to do it anyway. I could reach out to several people and things to help me, but my challenge of mommyhood is deeper than what other people could help me with, it’s my heart that needed refreshed, my outlook and perspective needed to be changed. That’s what God gave me. Having a one on one encounter with my Creator and Him leading me to some tools specifically for my girls has helped me in a way I will NEVER forget and I never want to. And the beautiful thing about it is this won’t be the last time He does this for me. Deep down I believe God blessed me with these two beautiful souls to deepen my relationship with Him and to even magnify my need for Him because without Him y’all I would be a complete MESS! There is no way possible I can make it raising these girls without Him; because ultimately He created them so He knows them in ways I will never know them! I’m just so grateful that Jesus gave His life for me, shed His blood for me, and took on my sins so I can have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father!! So so grateful!

I hope to blog again soon with some more updates/details of what God is doing in my life but until then I pray that this blesses anyone who reads it!

BUT GOD!!!…

These last two weeks have been extremely rough for me and this week was even harder than the one before. I don’t know if you have ever experience a time in your life where you felt like God let you down, disappointed you, or even forgotten about you. This week I’ve felt the heaviness of a broken heart towards God. That may sound crazy, however that’s how I feel. Like a piece of me just broke on Monday morning when I was offered a “plea deal” for an accident I have no memory of how or why it happened, an accident that was not intentional, but yet here I am being charged for “actions” I unknowingly did, charges that will be on my “record” for the rest of my life. Needless to say, I’m hurting because I “feel” like God let me down. I was trusting Him and hoping that He would deliver me completely from this by allowing the charges to be dropped because it was an accident….People have accidents everyday…. But here I am preparing to sign papers that will leave a mark on my “record”. Things didn’t turn out the way “I” would have wanted them to or the way “I” thought God would allow them to and that has left me in a state of disappointment. I have cried A LOT this week and have talked/prayed to God multiple times.

Through encouragement that has come from those closets to me this week the one reoccurring statement was BUT GOD…. It’s not over, But God…. So that prompted me to look up all the verses in the bible that either begin with or have BUT GOD in them. I found it very encouraging that all of the BUT GOD statements give hope, enlightenment, provision, and several other positive things. None of the verses left me discouraged or like God deliberately let me down. They showed me yet another side of God! I love how He does that!!!  One verse that stood out to me immediately was:

Genesis 50:20

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Right now I’m hurt. Right now I don’t understand. Right now I’m emotional, a little angry, and even frustrated…. BUT GOD… I know He is FOR me, I know He hasn’t left me, I know that He loves me, and in spite of it all He is working it all out not only for my good but ultimately for HIS GLORY…. In time I will see the full picture of the purpose of all of this, whether it be on this side of life or the other, He will reveal it to me. I may not understand, I may still as we speak have tears in my eyes for the lack of understanding of His ways, BUT GOD will get me through this too. My first thought on Monday and even Tuesday was how do I get over being hurt when I feel that hurt has come through and from the hand of God…. What I am learning so far is to cling to Him even more and be 100% honest with how I feel even if it’s towards Him. I am learning that my life has been and will be filled with several BUT GOD moments; moments where He intervenes to get me through the brokenness of this world. The charges may have been meant to harm me BUT GOD will use it for HIS GLORY and to help save the souls of others. And I am so so so glad that HE is the author of my life and HE writes my story. The record He has on me is greater than the record the justice system has on me!!! In spite of the tears I cry and how I “feel” I refuse to believe that God has brought me this far, through all of this, not to use it. He’s already using it by drawing me closer to Him!!! As I continue to walk with Him He is showing me more and more of Him as well as revealing more and more of Jesus.

Jesus suffered A LOT for me as well as you for us to have a relationship with God! Through this week God has shown me that if I am wanting to be molded in HIS imagine, the image of His Son Jesus, then I must also join in the sufferings that Jesus suffered. Jesus suffered injustice just as I am, Jesus suffered being wrongfully accused just as I am, and Jesus spirit was crushed and felt forsaken by God just as mines has. Is it to the extreme of death on a cross, no, but in order for me to grasp an understanding of all that I am going through I must first die to my flesh/emotions and see that it is bigger than me! I have to pick up my cross and surrender all of this over to God for Him to use for His Glory. My life is not my own it is Gods. My prayer is that through this blog as well as the others on my page you are drawn to see not my heart but the heart of God, a heart that longs to have a relationship with you through Jesus!

……Also, I am thankful for all of those who have truly prayed for me these last few weeks and those who continue to do so! I strongly believe that those prayers have helped my spirit not to be completely crushed and consumed by the darts of the enemy in my time of vulnerability.

 

***This song has helped my heart to remain soft and open to God through all of this!!! Be Blessed….

Trusting a Just God in an Unjust World

Tonight these questions and thoughts weigh heavily on my heart….. How do I walk with God in a situation where seemingly my life is on the line and it doesn’t seem as though He is moving on my behalf. How do I hold on to the justice that He has promised me when it seems like the unjust people are winning and are stacked up against me. How do I remain strong emotionally, mentally, and spiritually when in actuality what I really want to do is ball up in fetal position, cry until there are no more tears left within me, and give up. Where are you in this God? Why are you allowing me to walk through this? Why did you allow me to make it through such a horrific accident only to be inflicted with so so much stress, heartache, and pain. What am I to learn or gain from this? Because I am your child I KNOW that nothing happens to me or for me without it being sifted through your hands and EVERYTHING that you do has purpose, so what is the purpose in all of this?? You said you would NEVER leave me nor forsake me, you draw near to those who are broken in spirit, and you also told me to cast my cares and anxieties on to you, but Father, it’s been 4 years, 4 years and though you have been with me, and you have comforted me, you have provided for me just like you did Elijah but Lord my situation, my circumstance, my problem has not left me! It has not ended it has only increased…….. What do you want me to do????

Today was my birthday! YAY… But instead of being able to thoroughly enjoy the beginning of a new year of life that God has blessed me with these thoughts are where I am tonight (Again)….. This morning in the middle of having a mommy daughter breakfast with my pumpkin I was hit with even more stressful news regarding the court case of a car accident that took place over 4 years ago,  where I had a head on collision with a white male police officer in Grainger County TN. This accident has continued to haunt my life from the day I was cut out of my car up until this point. It’s hard for me to understand how a car accident can turn into multiple felony charges and jail time when there were no drugs nor alcohol involved and no one was severely injured but me. Everything revolving around my accident clearly steams from a panic attack and a blackout. The way I see it I am being charged for loss of memory of how/why the car accident occurred when I clearly had a traumatic brain injury resulting from the accident (among other injuries). The DA is insisting that I intentionally used my car as a weapon to harm the police officer involved in the accident. Anyone that knows me knows that even on my worse day this would NEVER be something I would do to anyone. The details and pieces of this accident are still a blur to me as well as those involved in my case. But the details that have come to my remembrance are that I was lost, I didn’t have phone service, and I felt like someone was after me/chasing me. After the car accident took place and my church members and friends in Knoxville found out where I had the accident I came to the knowledge that the county I was in was heavily racist and how in the world did I end up there is a question most people posed to me. I did not understand what they were saying until I had to “turn myself in” for a warrant that was set out against me as well as my first court appearance….

So much revolving around this accident concerns me and even more so now that it has been 4 years. I wonder if this case is being handled fairly (I use the word fair very loosely) ethically, or with justice in mind. Quite honestly I’m trying to figure out exactly what justice is being sought after and who is this justice for? The police officer? The state of TN? Of course not for me…This court case has placed me in a space I would never ever have wanted to be in and has placed emotions in me that I try hard to fight against everyday and those are being a African American Female in America. Everyone that knows me know that I love and try to show love to EVERYONE no matter who they are. All lives are important to me because they are important to my Father. But when it comes to the justice system here in America it seems to work only for some people and I am not referring only to people of a certain race, I am also including people of a certain status economically as well as professionally (popularity). I can’t help but feel like the system only works for certain individuals but ends up being used against others depending on how those in authority choose to sway it. For example, the number of years, if any, certain people get for certain charges depending on who they are and in some cases where the trial is being held OR if they are charged at all…This case has me viewing things (politically) in a very very different perspective. Which in turn has prompted me to pray in a way I have never prayed before and walk with God in a way I didn’t before. In these 4 years I have had to learn how to depend on God in a way I didn’t leading up to my car accident. And I am also learning and seeing a different side of Him, I call it His Justice side. I think we all have stages and levels that we grow to walk with Him and trust Him depending on what we are going through in life. All of the questions and thoughts I listed at the beginning of this blog He has and WILL answer through this trial (literal trial).

See, I may get and be emotional, I may get angry at the justice system, this court case, and if I’m honest sometimes at God; BUT one thing I know and am certain of is WHO I AM and WHOSE I AM. My situation may not have changed in 4 years, it may seem crazy and unfair. But I am the Daughter of a King who holds my WHOLE life in HIS hands. Not in the DA, my Lawyer, or the Courts hands but HIS hands. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him: but I will maintain mine own ways before Him, Job 13:15 (KJV). Trusting God I have learned is a choice but He gives me everything I need to make that choice daily (when I’m not in my feelings). So no matter the outcome, even though it SUCKS and doesn’t feel good nor look good I am CHOOSING to STAND on His word and trust Him….Will you join me? Please take a moment and say a prayer not only on my behalf, but also on behalf of our justice system here in America and government officials. Honestly just pray for America in general we deeply need the mercy, grace, and hand of God to move in this Nation!!!!!

Also, if by reading this blog you have any advice or ways I can find additional help for this court case please please comment below or contact me via Facebook.

Judgement Day…Are You Ready??

What If…..

What If…. What if God came to you and told you He wants a deeper relationship with you. He wants more of you. He wants you to go deeper into His word. What if He told you that there was more to His word than what you are getting on Sunday and Wednesday bible study or Tuesday. Would you accept His invitation? What if you had to study long hours, learn a new language, learn about a new culture to know more about Him? Would you sacrifice the time? Would you sacrifice being looked at funny or being told you are crazy? Would you accept having to walk alone if it meant you would be closer to God, our Father, the Holy One? What if I told you that what you are getting on Sunday’s is just the bare minimum of God? What if what you have been receiving from the church all your life up until this point is to keep you complacent where you are in Him? Would you take the challenge to go deeper, to find what you are missing, to see the true and living God for yourself??

There is more to God and His word than just what we get at church. There is a deeper meaning and truth to His word that we are needing to grasp that we won’t get from one sermon a week!! Half of the churches are not evening going deep into His word the way that God intend for us to do. Why is that?? It’s part of the strategy to keep us at a stand still in our relationship with God. We are barely scratching the surface of His word throughout the week…. We don’t look into taking classes to learn more because we feel that is too much work, or it doesn’t take all of that, buuut we eagerly read books about being successful, becoming the next millionaire, etc! Where does our heart lie? Where is our focus? Where are our morals? They should be in Him and Him alone. Not learning how to be better in  and for this world!!! But learning how to be better for the Kingdom of Heaven! We each individually have a responsibility for our walk and relationship with God. Everyday He does His part, but do we do ours?

These are just a few of the questions and concerns that God has placed on my heart within the past week few months. I STRONGLY believe He is calling us to go deeper with Him so that we are aware of the things to come. It is time out for just doing the bare minimum for God and going over and beyond for this world, but still expect Him to bless us, protect us, and prosper us…. I believe that a lot of the chaos that is going on in the world is a direct reflection of where we are spiritually. We desperately need to get back to our foundation in Him and Him alone. Don’t you think that the God who created this world is aware of how messed up it has gotten. Don’t think for one second that God is not still in control. A lot of the things going on around us are 1 of 2 things…. Distractions and Wake up calls…..

So if you feel even the slightest tug from reading this please do not ignore it because it just may be the tug that God has longed to put in your heart to bring you back to Him. You may be experiencing the most difficult and worse season of you life right now and it is for a reason even though it sucks. It is meant for you to get quiet, search your heart, and seek God so that He can give you your next steps. So that He can comfort you in a way that no person or thing can. It is so you can FINALLY come to the true essence of your purpose!! Don’t you want to know why you were born? Don’t you want to know what you were created to do so that you can flourish in that? What if another person’s life is dependent on your purpose? What if one of your family members eternal life is on the other side of your obedience? There is SO much more to our purpose here on earth than just being successful financially… We were not created just to get a job. We were each strategically created for a divine purpose. The questions you have to ask yourself are do you know why you were created and are you walking in that? The only way to find out is to go to the one who created you…….

 

God, Our Father, Our creator, is knocking at the door of everyones heart and He’s saying….. “Will you let Me in? I know life looks rough right now. I want to help you. Will you let Me in so I can comfort you, heal you, protect you, and provide for you in a way only I can. Please Dear Child let Me in, there’s so much more I have in store for you….”

Got Insecurity?

This is an amazing read if you struggle with insecurities or negative thinking!!! Be blessed!!!!! 😘

Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence

As I journaled this morning about insecurities I was dealing with and just asking God to show me the root of my insecurities and how to deal with them I was led to this scripture and boy was it convicting. First let me talk about my insecurities.

insecure– (adj) lacking trust or confidence in ourselves or someone else

That definition alone exposes my insecurities in a lot of areas. I think man if insecurity simply means lacking trust then oh boy am I insecure. My insecurities are brought out in many different areas of my life but mainly my job and my relationship.

On my job Satan constantly plants thoughts in my mind about me not being successful or even just thoughts about what people think of me. Satan…

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Surrendering the Broken Pieces!

These past few weeks I have been in a place where I just did not understand what God was doing or what He wanted from me. My emotions were just blah. I was doing just enough to get through the day not understanding what was wrong. I knew there were things God was pressing on my heart but I didn’t understand where I was to start. I was like “Lord I am a mess please help me.” So for about 3 weeks I have been on a search to find out what is it, what is it that is keeping me in this perpetual state of emotional tug of war with God, what is keeping me from progressing in trusting Him, and why can’t I just be free!!!! I literally felt pressed down…. Well after weeks of searching a couple of things came to surface…. I need emotional healing… Internal emotional healing…. So then of course as anyone would shout I said “HOW IN THE WORLD DO I GET THAT LORD..” Well the first question that came to mind was what exactly was broken inside of me to cause the emotional hurt. The second was when did it happen? These two questions I struggled with. I could not for the life of me understand why I was the way I was (hard on myself, emotional, and easily frustrated). Why do I keep going back and forth emotionally with God and myself… It is sooo amazing how God will bring things up just for you to give it over to Him…..So here is where God strategically brought something to the surface of my heart to answer the two above questions and several emotions!

As I started the first chapter of the Secure at Heart book my bestie divinely and lovingly shipped to me (thanks girlie) I instantly start balling my eyes out. I’m talking sobbing. I was hit with how much I still miss my dad… Due to some things that happen a couple years ago I decided to suppress  a lot of my thoughts and feelings in regards to anything with my dad. But truth of the matter I will always miss him and that is O.K.. In my sobbing I turned to God and I told Him how much I wish my dad was still here with me, to talk to and ask questions about parenthood. How much I wish our time wasn’t cut short. How I should have cherished our time together more. How I wish he wasn’t sick. Then God brought to my remembrance a dream I had last week and in the dream I saw my dad and I told my friends I would catch up with them later I needed to spend time with my dad because I didn’t have much time left with him…. Well today God showed me why I had that dream. I still needed after all these years closure. I still needed to forgive him for everything in my past, for leaving me unexpectedly, and forgive myself for not being there and not loving him the way I should have. I was able to see how I equated my relationship with God to that moment when my dad passed. I was brought to the moment about two days after he passed where I was on our living room floor screaming “I want my daddy” crying unconsolably. God showed me how that moment in a way scarred my relationship with Him. I felt that He left me just like my earthly father did. I felt God abandoned me in that moment. Something inside of me broke and a piece of my heart closed up at the age of 16 and for all these years I have still been trying to find that piece. So at this moment as I am reading this book I have experiencing all that pain all over again. And at that very moment I heard God tell me…..

“Now child, now you see. Now you have come to the ultimate place that I want and need to heal you. Now you see what I need you audibly out of your mouth hand over to me so I can take the pain away, so I can mend this area of your heart and replace it with TRUTH. Truth that I have never left you nor abandoned you nor will I ever! What you went thought was not meant to hurt you or to harm you and although it did I never left you to go through it alone. You live in a fallen world where fallen things happen but it is not a reflection of Me. I am Love and I love you. Your earthly Father loved you. His body was weak and his spirit gave out but he didn’t leave you. I am taking this hurt from you so you can see me in a different light. Now that you see where your heart was blocked towards me will you let me in? Will you will this over to Me? Come to Me my child and let Me free you from all your past hurts”

So so often I have asked God for more of Him when actually it’s more of me He needs. And I thought He had my whole heart. Well NO… There are still pieces that He still needs and will continue to pull at until probably Jesus comes. I am so thankful that God loves me so much that He keeps fighting for my heart. He keeps drawing me to Him. He keeps bringing to my attention areas that He wants to heal me so that our relationship will continue to grow and so I can be FREE!! It is only through Him that I am able to truly be healed. Any other way is simply just a bandaid!! I literally feel soooo FREE from this encounter with my Heavenly Father. Did it hurt YES! Do I still have more to go through YES! Will that hurt to YES! But it is sooo worth it and the assurance I have is that even though I walk through the darkest areas of my past I will fear no hurt because He is with me, His hand and His spirit will lead me and comfort me everyday of my life, I will dwell in His presence forever and ever Amen!

Here is my advice to others….

Ladies our relationship with our Father can be a direct reflection of how we see our Heavenly Father. If you had even the slightest break, disappointment, or hurt in the relationship with your earthly Father take it to God now and ask Him to mend it. If you never knew your Father or he abandoned you or wasn’t there take that to God. Take the hurt to Him and watch Him free you of it. Trust me it is not our job to carry this hurt or experience this hurt.

Fellas, Fathers & to be Fathers, you play a HUGE role in your daughters lives. How you treat her and raise her is how she will expect God and every other man to treat her. You are her first example and encounter of what a man is and you are her first example of Christ. God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of Man, Man is the head of woman so our image of God is directly tied to YOU. Please work towards a intimate relationship with Christ and make Him your Head so that you can properly raise your daughters as well as treat your wives the way He treated the church. What will you tell God when the time comes when He asks you “what example did you set for the daughters (wives, mothers, daughters) that I intrusted to you.” Remember life comes from God and children are a blessing to man!…

Psalm 127:3-5

3Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth.

5Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

I pray that you all are blessed by this!!

My Prayer…

Last night I was prompted to pray this prayer and truly hope that it resonates with you as well…

Father,

I want You to have more of me! I pray over and over again for more of you when in actuality I received all of you the day I believed Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. When I believed that He did come into the world in the flesh to save me from my sins as well as the sins of others in this world. But Father you didn’t get all of me on that day… Your spirit within me has worked overtime within me to loose me of the bondage that I subjected myself to in this world. Everyday your Holy Spirit has chipped away at my heart for you to obtain more of me. Father I need you to have ALL of me!! I don’t want any area of my heart or my life left untouched by you. Please Father take my whole heart, my mind, my spirit, and even my body! Scrub it clean with your Word as I read and study it daily! If there are any areas that I am keeping from you please show them to me for I know you are a gentle God and you won’t take anything from me without me willing it over to you! You won’t go against my free will.

Father I NEED you to have ALL of me in order for me to experience ALL of you. And I so desperately want to experience all of you. Actually I need to especially in these times where this world has gotten so far from you. I need your guidance, leading, and prompting. I need to hear you telling me when to turn left and when to turn right to avoid the pitfalls of the enemy. Father I know you will graciously answer this prayer because it is your will to have a deep intimate relationship with me. So I wait expectantly on evidence of this prayer being answered.

Actually I praise you now Lord for answering me, for I can tell that it was through your prompting through the Holy Spirit for me to even pray this prayer! I thank you for taking the areas of my life from me that I was holding so deeply now that I have let them go. I thank you for pulling me closer to you in this prayer. I thank you for loving me so much to keep me up tonight to spend time with you in prayer so I can be released of any bondage. Help me to walk freely in this new found freedom in you and the peace that it brings! Thank you Father so very much for this! I feel your presence like never before and it is Amazing! I love you God so much!! And I want to show my Love for you with my life here on earth. Use me as you please! I am Yours and You are mine!!

It is only in Your name I pray! Amen

You’re Enough

What an amazing and refreshing read this is!!! Check it out and be blessed!!! 😘😘😘

True security isn’t found in perfectionism, performance or in my own goodness. Knowing God in his goodness allows me to let go of the false illusion of perfectionism and accept my weakness, confidence that his strength and grace are enough to make me truly perfect in his eyes.

Secure in Heart

In life we are always striving for something. We are always looking for greater. We want better conditions whatever they may be. It may be a better job. It may more be friends. It may be a romantic relationship. It may be better appearance. It may be moving to a new city. The list could go on and on with things that we think could make our lives better. If only we could do better in our roles then maybe we’d be happier. If only we made more money then things would be much better. If only we had…

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He Still Loves Me!

As I begin to type this post my heart just fills up and my mind is racing!! So many words and thoughts I want to get out and I hope that it all makes sense…. So around this time last year was when I told my family and friends closest to me that I was expecting our daughter. I pondered for weeks in my head how I would tell them; I had no idea how people would respond and I was very worried that they would be disappointed in me… Truth is I was disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that I allowed my flesh to have control over my spirit. We all make choices and some choices are flesh led and some are spirit led. I knew that sex before marriage was not biblical but here I was…. I cried often and prayed A LOT!! I tore myself apart daily saying “how can you preach about living a Christ centered life when you’re pregnant and unmarried” “you have disappointed God so how can He use you” “You are so not worthy of anything Godly”… These were just a few of the thoughts I had over the first half of my pregnancy. I honestly felt like I let God down. That I let those who thought highly of me down. I was HURT!! Throughout my entire pregnancy God continued to pull me towards Him and His grace in His word. He also showed me SO much love through my family, friends, and my classmates! I had very few people to actually judge me or my actions and those people I chose not to let it affect me much. Once I got right with God and allowed myself to rest in His Love for me I began to look at things differently and try to enjoy my pregnancy. The hardest thing to do was to forgive myself. But I still drew close to God. I went to Him like a little girl who knew she did the opposite of what her Father instructed her to and I cried!! I cried hard! I told Him how sorry I was that I hurt Him, that I disappointed Him, and that I disobeyed Him. I cried “I’m sorry Lord, I’m so so sorry!!!” It is SO true when His word says nothing will ever separate us from the love of God….

Romans 8:38-39 ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

….. Through my cries God heard me, gave me guidance, and understanding! He comforted me by saying “repent from your ways, turn and follow me in all that you do, and silence the lies of satan with My word. I never stopped loving you and I never will. There is nothing you can do or will do that will remove my love for you! I never expected you to be perfect!” These were the exact words I needed to hear from God. He helped me to see that He knew my beginning before my end, meaning He knew what I would do before I even did it. Psalm 139 came to life like never before during this time!! But I still needed to repent to honor Him. Through this I learned what TRUE repentance looked like. I never really understood it before this moment in my life. It was through repentance that I was able to gain true healing and right standing with God in my actions. Repentance looks like this: Yes God I chose to have sex before marriage and Confess this to you and repent of this sin. From this day forward I will turn away from this and turn my heart towards you….. True repentance is turning a complete 180 degrees away from the thing that is coming between me and God and being intentional on not revisiting it… Me and my now husband agreed that we were not to continue on in the same ways that we were. We started the journey towards building a relationship with each other that was conducive for a child to be brought up in and ultimately one that was pleasing to God. We got married, I move and then a little over a month later our little angel was born!  

 What started out as what I thought was a disappointment to God turned into His way of showing me how much He loved me and has total control over every aspect of my life. Not once did God condemn me. Not once did He turn His back on me. Not once did He strip me of the blessings He already ordained for me to have. God took me into his arms and showed me His grace, mercy, and love. Through my daughter Emilia God has completely changed my life entirely. The way I look at God, my own mother, and my everyday relationship with my husband God uses her to change my outlook.  Through her He is teaching me how to be patient and give myself some grace. I can be extremely hard on myself sometimes 😕.

What I thought was a disappointment or mistake turned out to be a HUGE blessing.. Please hear me say that never did I think my daughter was a mistake, but the sin was the mistake. And there are still consequences to that as always. My daughter is the blessing but the fact that my husband and I are having to learn how to be parents, newlyweds, and how to live together all at one time is A Lot… That’s the consequence.. There are things we could have learned under different circumstances while dating and living in separate places, but having God as our guide daily makes things a lot easier. I never saw my life being the way that it is today and I am so thankful that I didn’t because I would not change a single aspect of it!!!

So why am I sharing this??? Because I pray that anyone reading this will know that God will love you no matter what you have done and you are still usable in His eyes. I feel like the world, people, and even ourselves are harder on us for our mistakes than God is. The one thing God looks for from all of us when we mess up is repentance… TRUE repentance. Not that “oh God forgive me but next week I’m right back at it” repentance; but to fully turn away from the very sight of sin. No He’s not asking us to be perfect but if you know you struggle with drinking you shouldn’t willingly walk in a bar and think you will be able to abstain from drinking. The wise thing to do is to avoid the bar altogether. Replace drinking with any other sin and know that in order to truly repent you have to avoid the sin all together.

2 Timothy 2:22 ²² Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. 

God desires to have a deeper relationship with all of us and the one thing that can hider us from that is lack of repentance. Once repentance has taken place our hearts are open to God and our lives fall in line with His will for our lives. I am 100% certain had me and my husband not repented and made things right with God our lives would not be where it is today nor would my daughter be as happy as she is. I know that not everyone is able to marry the man or woman that they have a child with, however you can choose to bring that child up in a Godly home and environment. So regardless everyone has the opportunity to live a Godly life. There are no excuses. That empty feeling that you have been feeling lately is because you are lacking a relationship with the only one who can truly fill you up. You’ve been walking around feeling like something just isn’t right, like something is missing and that something is Jesus. You think that nothing is going right in your life and everyone has hurt you or abandoned you; know that God has never left you and He never will. Go to Him, lay your life at His feet, and watch your life transform in a way you would have never imagine for it to. Everything that I have gone through in my life up until this point I am thankful for because it brought me closer and closer to my Father! My life without Him was dark, cold, and empty; but since I fully surrendered my life over to Christ it has never been the same!

I pray that this helps you and if you have any questions or prayer request feel free to submit them on the prayer request page.

Blessings 😘😘😘,

Enseia

****P.S.A**** If you are single and need some encouragement or guidance in your singleness please check out A Radical Relationship blog site and be blessed!!