He Still Loves Me!

As I begin to type this post my heart just fills up and my mind is racing!! So many words and thoughts I want to get out and I hope that it all makes sense…. So around this time last year was when I told my family and friends closest to me that I was expecting our daughter. I pondered for weeks in my head how I would tell them; I had no idea how people would respond and I was very worried that they would be disappointed in me… Truth is I was disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that I allowed my flesh to have control over my spirit. We all make choices and some choices are flesh led and some are spirit led. I knew that sex before marriage was not biblical but here I was…. I cried often and prayed A LOT!! I tore myself apart daily saying “how can you preach about living a Christ centered life when you’re pregnant and unmarried” “you have disappointed God so how can He use you” “You are so not worthy of anything Godly”… These were just a few of the thoughts I had over the first half of my pregnancy. I honestly felt like I let God down. That I let those who thought highly of me down. I was HURT!! Throughout my entire pregnancy God continued to pull me towards Him and His grace in His word. He also showed me SO much love through my family, friends, and my classmates! I had very few people to actually judge me or my actions and those people I chose not to let it affect me much. Once I got right with God and allowed myself to rest in His Love for me I began to look at things differently and try to enjoy my pregnancy. The hardest thing to do was to forgive myself. But I still drew close to God. I went to Him like a little girl who knew she did the opposite of what her Father instructed her to and I cried!! I cried hard! I told Him how sorry I was that I hurt Him, that I disappointed Him, and that I disobeyed Him. I cried “I’m sorry Lord, I’m so so sorry!!!” It is SO true when His word says nothing will ever separate us from the love of God….

Romans 8:38-39 ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

….. Through my cries God heard me, gave me guidance, and understanding! He comforted me by saying “repent from your ways, turn and follow me in all that you do, and silence the lies of satan with My word. I never stopped loving you and I never will. There is nothing you can do or will do that will remove my love for you! I never expected you to be perfect!” These were the exact words I needed to hear from God. He helped me to see that He knew my beginning before my end, meaning He knew what I would do before I even did it. Psalm 139 came to life like never before during this time!! But I still needed to repent to honor Him. Through this I learned what TRUE repentance looked like. I never really understood it before this moment in my life. It was through repentance that I was able to gain true healing and right standing with God in my actions. Repentance looks like this: Yes God I chose to have sex before marriage and Confess this to you and repent of this sin. From this day forward I will turn away from this and turn my heart towards you….. True repentance is turning a complete 180 degrees away from the thing that is coming between me and God and being intentional on not revisiting it… Me and my now husband agreed that we were not to continue on in the same ways that we were. We started the journey towards building a relationship with each other that was conducive for a child to be brought up in and ultimately one that was pleasing to God. We got married, I move and then a little over a month later our little angel was born!  

 What started out as what I thought was a disappointment to God turned into His way of showing me how much He loved me and has total control over every aspect of my life. Not once did God condemn me. Not once did He turn His back on me. Not once did He strip me of the blessings He already ordained for me to have. God took me into his arms and showed me His grace, mercy, and love. Through my daughter Emilia God has completely changed my life entirely. The way I look at God, my own mother, and my everyday relationship with my husband God uses her to change my outlook.  Through her He is teaching me how to be patient and give myself some grace. I can be extremely hard on myself sometimes 😕.

What I thought was a disappointment or mistake turned out to be a HUGE blessing.. Please hear me say that never did I think my daughter was a mistake, but the sin was the mistake. And there are still consequences to that as always. My daughter is the blessing but the fact that my husband and I are having to learn how to be parents, newlyweds, and how to live together all at one time is A Lot… That’s the consequence.. There are things we could have learned under different circumstances while dating and living in separate places, but having God as our guide daily makes things a lot easier. I never saw my life being the way that it is today and I am so thankful that I didn’t because I would not change a single aspect of it!!!

So why am I sharing this??? Because I pray that anyone reading this will know that God will love you no matter what you have done and you are still usable in His eyes. I feel like the world, people, and even ourselves are harder on us for our mistakes than God is. The one thing God looks for from all of us when we mess up is repentance… TRUE repentance. Not that “oh God forgive me but next week I’m right back at it” repentance; but to fully turn away from the very sight of sin. No He’s not asking us to be perfect but if you know you struggle with drinking you shouldn’t willingly walk in a bar and think you will be able to abstain from drinking. The wise thing to do is to avoid the bar altogether. Replace drinking with any other sin and know that in order to truly repent you have to avoid the sin all together.

2 Timothy 2:22 ²² Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. 

God desires to have a deeper relationship with all of us and the one thing that can hider us from that is lack of repentance. Once repentance has taken place our hearts are open to God and our lives fall in line with His will for our lives. I am 100% certain had me and my husband not repented and made things right with God our lives would not be where it is today nor would my daughter be as happy as she is. I know that not everyone is able to marry the man or woman that they have a child with, however you can choose to bring that child up in a Godly home and environment. So regardless everyone has the opportunity to live a Godly life. There are no excuses. That empty feeling that you have been feeling lately is because you are lacking a relationship with the only one who can truly fill you up. You’ve been walking around feeling like something just isn’t right, like something is missing and that something is Jesus. You think that nothing is going right in your life and everyone has hurt you or abandoned you; know that God has never left you and He never will. Go to Him, lay your life at His feet, and watch your life transform in a way you would have never imagine for it to. Everything that I have gone through in my life up until this point I am thankful for because it brought me closer and closer to my Father! My life without Him was dark, cold, and empty; but since I fully surrendered my life over to Christ it has never been the same!

I pray that this helps you and if you have any questions or prayer request feel free to submit them on the prayer request page.

Blessings 😘😘😘,

Enseia

****P.S.A**** If you are single and need some encouragement or guidance in your singleness please check out A Radical Relationship blog site and be blessed!!